Florence Henderson

So I am at some kind of show.
A movie I think.
And I have great seats.
BED seats.
Yeah, like the queen of Sheba, I am laid out on a bed and watching a movie in a theatre... and to my left? Florence Henderson (Yeah, that's right, Mrs. Brady) and her date... he looks like James Brolin.

Anyway, I am just chillin' watching the movie, and for some reason, in the crowded theatre, I decide now would be a fine time to pick my nose. You know, like really go for it.

OK. I know, we all pretend not to do it, but truth of the matter is, on occasion, the batcave needs to be cleaned out. Especially for people with breathing problems like me.

I had a friend once, Darren, who used to pick his nose in public, just for the shock value. Oh he was soooo punk.

But anyway. After I am done, and all cleaned up, the movie ends, and I realize I have just picked my nose in front of a room full of people including Florence Henderson (and date).

I am preparing to exit, and she says something to me. Like actually remarks to me about the inapropriateness of my actions. And her date chimes in with his holier than thou two cents.

OK OK I think, I am not going to shuffle off. I did it, it was weird, but so what? who are they to judge me?

So I confront my tormentors, and face them and ask them to explain what was so offensive. We get into a debate apparently. I mean some kind of rant I go into. And eventually they get up and move to seats off to the side. Bad seats, seats where you can't see anything.

And of course I follow them.
And then, one of them calls me... I dunno, fat or something maybe? not sure what inspired it... but soon enough, I am giving ol' Florence a lap dance.
I mean I have my ass in front of her face and I am wiggling it and I am saying things like:
"See, it's curvy, it looks good right? touch it, you know you like it, you know you wish you had one like me."

And Florence is feeling on my ass and loving it.

Yeah, that's right, Mrs. Brady.

Now I do not have a thing for Mrs. Brady, or Florence, Or James Brolin!

I just have a thing for being myself and having people not make personal remarks about me.

I woke up then, shaking my ass back and forth in my own real life bed.
My cat (not Mrs. Brady)
was behind me, like: WTF is wrong with you?

Mail from GOD

A few weeks ago I had a dream that I had a very long mailbox that I had neglected to open for quite sometime. I had never seen it there on the side of my house before!

Inside were wonderful golden and shining letters. Real mail, not bills or hokey adverts. And the thing was as long as long can be, extra extra long for a mailbox, and STUFFED!

And do you know, I was too timid to read my mail?

Very excited, but wanting to save it for a time when I felt like I deserved it.

This was BEFORE I got the phone call dreams below...

Can't Bear It

I keep getting him on the phone.
In ways that are unusual.

Like, calling his sister.

First he tells me to call his sister
in a dream phone call

so i dream call her in a nother dream.

and she tells me he is not there.

and she hangs up the phone, but not really, and he is standing there.
My great friend, who i miss, and he speaks into the phone and tells me things.

like i love you.
and that we are always friends.

and i am terrified that this means
in real life
that the gang found him
on his last trip to the city
and that is why his cell phone is out of order.

he keeps telling me to call his sister.

I get a pit in my gut when i think about it.

i used to remember the words when i woke up, but i could not make myself write them.

We have been friends for years now. he says i am one of his most favorite people. The coolest white girl he knows.

It was his birthday in january, is why. i always try to make it special, being as he is an orphan and all. but i could not find him this time. Except for the dreams where he calls me to tell me to call his sister.