Thursday Morning

Tonight is my date with cutie-boy who is 35.
So I think it was him that I dreamed of...
I dreamed of some kind of cutie boy.
and his very old father who looked like a grandfather but acted like a best friend.

And of course I wanted to please him and have him like me so he would say good things about me to his son.
So when he asked me to help do the laundry, I complied.

"First you have to sort the lights from the darks" I told him, and then hot water for the dirty ones cool water for the delicates.

And I leave the mound of laundry, and forget to come back.

When I do come back, I see the laundry is almost done, and my dress, the silk one, that I never got to wear on my last "big weekend" over labor day, is no longer in the pile. DID you wash it??? I panic. Granpa-Dad of cutie boy said no, he did not. That's good, I think, because I never even wore it, and it is handmade handpainted silk

It was a long dream, not sure I can describe it.
Cutie boy made T-Shirts, and that's how we dream met one another.
OH yeah,,, he also sold this really good grass and that's where I met him, as my friend wanted to buy some. Huh, real life cutie boy does not use drugs. Neither do I.

Anyway,., I buy a bunch of really good grass and he also sells me handmade T-Shirts 17 T-shirts for 20 bucks. Then he invites me to stay, meet his father and we all go to like, Wal-mart or somewhere because he is also selling tickets to a show.
And we find out that the show date was changed, or the tickets misprinted, but in the end... the festival was 2 days long and the show date was correct, so all the tickets did end up having the right date. Dream cutie boy was worried that nobody would show up to his show. Real life cutie boy is in a pretty decent band with a genre all their own... Well maybe acid fusion jazz defines it. He defines it (in real life) as 40 seven yearolds left alone in a room...
So anyway. We fall in dream love and I rub his feet and he rubs mine.
He had some kind of cold and was trying to get me to drink this special tea and then this special clear liquid. I was afraid, because he could not tell me what was in it, and then I realized that is how others feel when I try to tell them about that Miracle Water.
I drank it though because I trusted him, and I did not get dream sick like he was.

I remember him laying his head on my left breast for comfort on the drive back from the store.

It was a pretty good dream...

UNTILL

Well, I dreamed this once before.
I had a thorn or a horn or a spike... something VERY ODD in my vagina.
and I felt it and I wondered how I was growing a horn or thorn down there. It was just above the opening and under the clit. and it was not always visible and it was sharp and FREAKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK freak out.
cause it is so real that I wake up traumatized.
Who wants a small sharp thing in the hotbox?
So the only thing I can think of is that I had major inspection before bed as I recently had unprotecte sex with an individual who chose to vanish from my life directly after, and that is not a good feeling, not at all. Makes a girl wonder... what was the reason? You know what he TELLS you, but you also remember him saying:
"You know how I begged you not to sleep with me on the first night? Well that was just my way of getting you to sleep with me on the first night."
So manipulation is there, and why not deciet? Anyways, I could not be certain, especially not with the silence that ensued, that he had not been sleeping around with anything that had 2 legs. You want to trust your lovers, but then, in the end...especially when he vanishes almost immediatly, (No matter what reason he gives you) you begin to wonder if you did a very stupid thing by not being safe.

Anyway, that is my satchel of insecurity, I am ultra worried about VD now, mainly because of silence. And I HATE REALLY HATE getting into the stirrups and getting my cervix scraped to test for VD. SO my worries are obvious to me in my dream and disturbing too. A sharp horn? WTF??? Nobody wants to screw with a chick who's vagina has TEETH for God's sake!!

It just really bothered me, this end to my dream, I feel like it is still there.

Wed Morning

2 colors:

Scarlet and black

or tangerine and pink

I was on the scarlet and black team of girls but at the last minute, changed my colors to tangerine and pink.

I played for that team, turns out the competition was dress up. I HAVE a ton of dress up clothes, I say an then go home to find some of them.

What I bring back are clothes for the slight and ignored girl who nobody seems to really like. She has the same face as the girl that I used to tutor last semester (14) and we go off together on a walk. We spy some bad guys, they are stoppong at an intersection to stare at something. For some reason, I feel like it is a naked child. So I press the gas pedal (yep, I am DRIVING!!) and speed up to the intersection, so the big black suburban speeds away and we tail it. The girl wants to pose as a younger girl because she is so small and see if they want to take her, even though it's dangerous for her and me, this is our mission to crack the case whatever that means. Soon they are chasing us, the jig is up! and we race back to the "home" for juvenile delinquents.
Just in time, we slam the door and bolt it, they know where we are but cannot get through the steel doors. We are safe.

I take her to her room, she rooms with all the boys, says she feels comfortable there. There are many many bunkbeds and lots of boys. Her sheets are dirty kind of, like old, not fresh. I think that I will wash them for her. I give her some of the dress up clothes, as I am not in the pink and tangerine group any longer, I am one of the caregivers. And I sit with her and try to make her feel loved, the boys are feeling the energy, I am like that nanny dog in the peter pan story. All the delinquent tendancies are gone and I have a room full of sweet kids. I am the only person who sees this side to them all, others see them as criminals waiting to go to real jail.

So I tell them all goodnight, and give the girl a hug, and leave the room, they lock the door from the inside, and then I hear them start to play and playfight and raise their voice, and I wonder after the girl who acts more like a boy.

I had been the one to find her after she ran away and her father was looking for her everywhere, but he did not see her when she was standing right there. I asked him if he was looking for his child, he said yes and then was startle to see she had been standing right behind him as he was on the phone and frantic in the middle of the street.

So anyway, I go downstairs to clean up some dishes from the meal I cooked for them all and to finish the laundry.

I had left my sketch book out on the sidewalk (a newsprint sketchbook the big kind) The only thing in it were some pressed leaves, it began to rain.

I come back inside without my sketchbook and hear my name being called, it is not my real name in real life, but I am still me. I go downstairs, I think I am in trouble for using one of the delinquent girls to fight crime. It is the program director who lives on facility, she wants me to take an exam to test my overall knowledge of the facility. She asks me to sit on the floor instead of the sofa. You want me to sit under (beneath) you? I ask. She nodds and seems to think it is not diminishing to me to do so. SHe is in PJ's an wrapped in a quilt.

She gives me the test.

I take it and move on.
Later, she informs that I have only gotten 6 right and must retest. She tells me she knows I am good (worker), but I must prove it.
I start the test over... It is HARD. the first question asks me to define a word that I have never seen before. the whole test is very hard.

I wake up.

(I sometimes dream of text in my dream, sometimes it is in a different language that I speak, and other times it is in English, sometimes I spend the whole dream reading, other times I am taking notes in a lecture hall that is as big as a football arena. But I never ever remember what I read/write.... this hard word began with the letter A)

Monday night

I dreamed about shoes, and cake.

someone had rearranged all my high heels in a cupboard/buffet cabinet thing in the living room.
Not where they belonged in the shoe organizer hanging from my bedroom door.

Also, had rearranged my room. What is it with me and moving my bedroom in my dreams?
The living room was now my bedroom.

I had a single bed instead of my nice big queen one, and all new furniture instead of my antiques.
and of course, my shoes were not where they belonged.

And there was cake in the beginning too.


In other realtime news, my friend Jennifer is pregnant, and I think I am meeting the cook from the happy dream named "you" on Thursday. Well, he looks a lot like the cook, and there was a pregnant chick in that dream too. (Jennifer?)

I find my dreams are indications of the future.
I once wrote them down every day for 6 months. At the end of the 6 months I read through them all and found a lot of the things had happened in real life. Sometimes exactly, and other times symbolically. I am wondering if this will be the same.

Although, I was never on heavy anxiety producing medicine for migraines and i RARELY have such scary dreams as I did last week.

Cake and shoes is good though.

Monday morning

So first I am in this place... like a small office, but it's kind of like my apartment, there is a small little back porch like in my real house.

And there is a boss, and he is a former drill seargent.
ANd he is yelling at us all, because he is trying to fit a cart on to the porch and there is already stuff out there.

And we (the crew) are still sleepy, and he yells but we know his bark is worse than his bite.

Turns out he has just been served divorce papers, and he is crushed.

But me and my parter from the crew leave after he does and wander around my town.

What's that? we spy Bono and Larry Mullins Jr. Sitting on a curbside strumming for a crowd.

I have my camera and want to get a shot.
But someone gets in the way, and then they stop playing and get up.

We follow them around a bit as they see the area, somehow we wind up in the office that looks like my house.

Bono and Larry are just, you know, hanging out....

I am still trying to get a photo., and it occurs to me to ask for autographs too, but I don't ...not the right time, seems too opportunistic

The phone rings, I answer, it's my Dad.
I am embarrassed a little because it was just his birthday (in real life) and I did not get him a card or anything.

He says:
Did you know....

I finish:
Metallica is playing in town?

YEAH! he said, the old guys are getting back together.

He is obviously excited, and I never knew my dad was into heavy metal!

SO I tell him I can get tickets.
He asks if it can be a bonding thing.

As far as metal goes, Metallica is the best, but I am not into metal.

But my dad so wants me to go and bond with him that I agree.

end of dream.
I went to bed thinking about how my dad would be sad that nobody remembered his birthday.
He used his inheritance money from my Grandpa to go to Hawaii with his wife. They were gone for his birthday. And I forgot about it, it was less than 2 weeks ago. I called him, but he never returned my calls.

Dreams are funny.
I cannot ever remember dreaming about my father.
I hope he is OK
I hope he did not drink again in Hawaii.
One more drink will kill him, that's what the doctors say.
I worry about that.
Maybe that's why I keep dreaming with him in it.

YIKES!!!

OK, Lessee...

Thursday night, after having far far too many medicines for migraine injected and swollowed into me... I finally slept and what a shitty dream I had.

FIRST
the guy who is pursuing me in real life (well, he is leaving me alone now) in real life he is recently released from prison and wants me to be his woman. In the dream, I thought I had shook him off, but he arrived in my parents house (not my real parents house... my dream RICH parents house) and I am housesitting alone, and he tries to call me and then breaks into the back door as I have locked all doors but miss the back one. I can tell he loves me, I cannot help him, and I ask him to leave (big black guy, thugish....not in real life is he thuggish, in real life he is normally pretty subdued) But he is thuggish and has a pistol. ANd he tells me as he leaves tearfully, that he will need to find some other woman and hold her at her knees at gunpoint for my rejection and he will shoot her. I let him leave because I am afraid.

THEN
I see my father, but he is not my real father, he is a man who lives in the house and loves my family... except today he is planning on killing us all as he has gone mad and totally lost his mind. I know his face. He was my last lover, and in the dream, I barely know him at all, he is in my family and he is going to kill us all. So I am trying to lead him away from the house and into the world. Funny, we are in the Neatherlands somewhere, and nobody speaks my same language.
I run across a dike, I try to tell the townspeople... I am alone in the knowledge that he has snapped. He then reveals his knives to me, and tells me he will kill my brothers. (who are just kids in the dream, even though they are 28 and 30 in real life.

I must protect them.

I run this guy all over creation, always a few steps ahead, always afraid.
Finally, I bring him back to the home (swanky, big, lush, rich) and my family is there. They are happy to see him, and he seems loving and tender, but I know better, I know his heart has gone crazy.
And nobody sees it but me. He has confided in a moment of sheer madness and showed me the knives. But in the dream as it stands, in front of the family, he is the same old family member (but a remarried husband) and nobody believes me.

Then

He vanishes.

whew!

and it is my Mother's birthday (it was her birthday this weekend in real life)
and I have no gift.
due to trying to save my families life and all.
So I take my two younger brothers to the Wallgreens to pick up some crappy gift. We have only 10 dollars.

My real father makes an appearance.

BOY am I glad to see him.
at least he is not nuts!!
and he offers to pitch in an additional 10 bucks.
We pick out a windchime (horribly ugly)
and consider a box of cheap chocolates for mom.

then I wake up.


OK

THEN on Friday night:

Such a looong dream.
In real life, Mary is my aunt who is 6 years older than me, Mary was fond of raping me in my sleep. Lesbian rape sucks just as bad,,, well, maybe not as bad physically, but emotionally, it's the same esp. when you are only 10 years old.

So Mary also had a fondness for stealing from me. And stole $200.00 from me that I saved up from babysitting to buy my extensive family Christmas gifts. I was like, 9 or 10
She fucking bought herself a leather mini skirt and told everyone how irresponsible I was to loose that kind of money. Fucking nutjob. , she was about 16, maybe 17.
She tortured me too in several ways. actual torture. I cannot sleep well now from her scaring the crap out of me all the time and of course the nighttime rapes.

SO

we are adults, and it is like Christmas time or family time or something... and fucking Aunt MAry deliberatly steps in front of me, cutting me off as I intend to go and speak to someone. She does this to undermine me and assert her power.

I FUCKING CLOCK HER ONE Damn, it felt good.
She is famous, like Madonna, and has bleached her hair quite blonde.
I grasp a handfull and beat her ass, punching her face and calling her out her name as they say....
I am soo pissed off that I just let her have it.

"Oh, I have not done anything to you...." she whines.

"Not true!" says my other aunt... one of the only sane ones...
"you were always picking on her!!"

Vindicated, I continue to whoop her ass. She SOOO has it coming, she is a prick to everyone in the family.

I accuse her of stealing from Grandma, something she did to the tune of thousands of dollars in real life over the years. My gramma protests (Mary is her favorite , and youngest in real life) I scream at Gramma that she IS a theif, and Mary's husband begins to protest the harsh beating, but he does not DARE get in my way.
I tell her about how dream me still has nightmares about her and her shitty abuse and how I want to steal from her in my dreams (in my real life dreams) and make her suffer loss like I always had to (She would in real life, steal my best Xmas presents and hide them so she could have them after we left)

Well, so I beat Mary's ass, and I am quite sure I will not ever dream of her again.

Finally, some rest.


OK AND THEN!!!

Last night.

In real life my Grandma took care of war vetrans in her home and was a total bitch to them, abusive and cruel emotionally. I always was nice to them, even though they scared me. I gave them respect when she did not even treat them like human beings. She did not treat her kids (except Mary) like human beings either, nor me... well, sometimes I remember bonding with gramma, but not often. It could have been the brain tumor though, she had a big one remove when I was about 17.... anyway...

In the dream, she is still taking care of the guys, they are all quite old... in their 80's... grandma too. and one of them is new
younger than 80, maybe 65-70 and he is murderous.

So I spend the night trying to outrun murderous vetran who has collected metal um.... ling thin steel pins or something that he intends on shoving into my families hearts to kill them.

Me my gramma and mary.
cause we all live there in the country. I see he has 3 pins collected, rusty pins, ready to shove into our hearts.

So I spend my dream trying to figure out a way to warn everyone (even fucking aunt mary... who does NOT make an appearance in this dream at all)

And then I wake up.

there was more i am sure, just cannot remember.

And so, these are the anxiety dreams one has after a week of continuous heavy duty migraine medication. (meication that has a side effect of severe anxiety)

It would have been nice to have had a close friend last week.

Yep, it would have been nice to know someone cared.

As it stands, my mom was that friend. She sent me a telephone hug and kiss. It helped.
Thanks Mom.

Thursday

I mentor a girl and am friends with her mother.
This dream is all about beds.

Somehow, someway, I had been sleeping in this large bed and we had seperate blankets but the girl i mentor was in the same bed and we were like sisters i thought.
I was at the old place where they DID just recently move from, and there was a party going on.
Some kind of award
ANdy Warhol won post humanously or whatever the word is...
And someone showed me the trophy and it was a picture frame covered in diamonds. the most sparkley diamonds ever.
and a few were loose and had fallen already.
This guy, a fat older man, was sitting on my bed which happened to be in the room, and was picking at the diamonds where some were loose. two or three fell out, and landed on the bedspread and so I rushed to "find" them. My selfish side came out and I hid them in my fingernails. Old guy had hundreds more in his trophy that was not even his, i thought, i can keep these three (they were small)

Ok so I put them in my antique silver purse and noticed that the party is full of kids, like teens. ANd soon I am in an elevator.
and the kids (hmong) in the elevator (2) are scared to ride it. I tell them no worrys and then something falls down into the elevator from the open doors It's a sheet of heavy steel and I just have time to pull the two kids away.


Soon it was time to leave and everyone was. i notice my large cedar bed is missing from the side room (was i sleeping on that?)
and the girls mom (who is 10 years older than me) had ha it packed up and moved.

Where is it?
I ask

OH, it is in a place much closer to your house now she explains.
But she does not tell me where.
She takes me then sans diamond purse to the new apartment where they did just recently move. I take note of the name of the street. It is Mckinly or Mc something Mckingson I dunno. and I have no ide where I am.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET HOME FROM MY HOUSE ?? asks the irritated mother.
Her house is in a ghetto community where everyone is poor and there is SOME danger but only if you have diamonds in your puse and are an asshole.
I cut under a bridge and then wander back up the stars to ask directions.

Where is my BED?????

She drives me back under the bridge, railroad tracks?? and we speed past a covered truck and risk death in that old car.

She stops to water some potted Xmas trees in a great hall, and then?

I do not remember.

the alarm went off maybe.

stressful dream.

i had been watching a documentary on Andy Warhol that night.

you

I had this dream of you, and it was like we were meeting for the first time, but also like we had already met. I t was the same , yet different.

We stayed in a hotel, and it was swanky.
We went to visit a school and soon you had children all around you, laughing an you were laughing and I began to sketch you, immersed in laughing children.

You insisted that we go shopping and of course it was for heels.
But I was not sure, if you were intent on shopping for me, or if you just wanted to please me, so I refused many times, and finally, as my back was turned looking or speaking to someone else maybe, I do not know... I return to you and you had several young pretty women around you, and had just purchased their makeup for them.

It was then that I let you buy my high heels.

Oh how we talked through the whole dream.

Oh how we laughed with one another.

Soon, it was time for your return home. I put on that black nighty that makes me look like a supermodel, and slid into bed next to you.

You were trying to sleep, needed your rest. I wrote to you then, a letter full of love.
I do not know if I gave it , along with the sketch of you and children to you or not,

But when you woke, it was because of my caress. You had missed the alarm and overslept by about 25 minutes.
You had a plane to catch.

You squeezed me then, and told me that you loved me, and would meet me again, only this time, in the Amazon.

"Do not say that to me again", i said
seemingly lucid.
and tried to explain to the dream you that I had information that told me that you would not see me again, and by your own choice.

Dream you seemed to not understand.

I had gone to bed, in the realtime, thinking of you, and how you must have been embarrassed to be seen with me, and how you must have viewed me as a girl, and not a woman.
I went to bed thinking about missing you, and telling you that I had grown so much.
I wondered if my sense of rejection was fabricated, or if there was truth to it.

I woke up with a relaxed state of mind.
I woke up knowing I had dreamed a long dream of you that lasted all night long.
There was much more to the dream, but I stayed in bed basking in it for quite some time.
You know how dreams go, you want to save the good ones, and sit with them for awhile, and not rush to the computer to write them down.

In the end of the dream, you had left, asking that I not follow you to the cab, but remain in the hotel room we shared.
I stayed there for days.
I bought more shoes
I remember sitting next to a pregnant woman with the flu.
She was quite blonde (naturally)
and I asked her if she wanted some ice.
Yes she did and I set off for the hotel kitchen (swanky hotel, movies in the hotel)
I returned with noodles and ice for her, but not before meeting the sweet looking cook, who demanded money for the noodles.

I said I would come back later, and pay, or tip.

Later, I will be gone, he told me, and began to leave.

He had curly dark hair.
I remember thinking that you had left me and were not coming back.
I remember thinking the cook looked good.

There were several older men sitting on the couch outside the kitchen, and they were laughing at me, teasing me.
I pointed to them as I walked by and individually ticked them off by pointing....
"No, No, No, No, No, No, aaaaand, No."
It stopped their laughter at me.

I woke up missing you though.
and I still do.
but I was pleased to have had that dream.
and I lay thinking about it in bed for quite some time.

Sep 18

In my dreams, weird things are happening.

Last night, I was at the neighbor's house (the dream neighbor) She was a petite shorthair lesbian, and I was helping her.
Some woman called and offered me a job.
The mail came and a pink box contained treats, like breath mints and gum.
Her "partner", a blonder bigger gal came home and I said goodbye and notice that their gay neighbors, (Men) had also gotten a special box with bath products in it, also a pink box. I wanted to take home the lesbian gift pack, but I realized that there was one tailor made to me at home.

Before I got home, I noticed my neighbor to the otherside a hippish woman with long dark hair, was throwing away several (3 maybe 4) broken mirrors. I wanted the larger one to take home, but then notice it was also shattered in an inobvious way. I may have asked after the woman's gift box, but she had not checked the mail yet.

So, excited to see, I went to the mail box. I expected it to be chocolates. But when I opened it...

Well, it was every kind of birth control imaginable. Yep, the box was teeming with the ortho-ring, egg shaped nonoxyl-9 inserts, and some other stuff I never seen before.

YIKES!

I don't even have sex.

And I got a second thinner pink box as well, and something was in it, but I do not remember what. Not chocolates.

So that was my odd little dream

Will post the next one as it happens